Our DREAM is REAL!

Today is a day we'll never forget...with tears streaming down my face, I struggle to find the right words to share with the world just how much today means to us. 

I remember as newlyweds, I was pregnant and sick and yet I was working 12+ hour shifts, taking breaks to run to the bathroom due to morning sickness, Chris was working and going to school and we were doing everything we could to make ends meet. I then had to come home because I was so sick and for the next several years, I watched my husband work so incredibly hard so I could stay home with my 3 back to back kids. Those years were a whirlwind. I hated watching him work multiple jobs, and come home and do homework and I hated living in government funded housing and use food stamps to help get groceries. I hated never seeing my best friend and I dreamed of a day when we would be FREE. I dreamed of a day when I could say YES to friends when they wanted to go out, because I could actually afford it someday. I dreamed of a day when my kids could go do dance classes or play soccer and pursue their talents. I dreamed of a day when I could buy a car full of HEALTHY groceries and a day when I could go visit family whenever we wanted without saving up for the travel costs and not worrying about losing those days off of work.

Fast forward to 2.5 years ago...we had hit a point in our lives when Chris DID have a great job, and we were finally able to make all of our payments by ourselves, but there wasn't much hope of SAVING. We were at a point where we knew it was time to CHANGE. I didn't know who I was anymore...I was depressed, so uncomfortable in my own skin, and scared of the example I was setting for my children, but didn't know how to get out of that hole. I saw some posts on Facebook of this girl who spoke to me. We messaged, I felt hope, and I signed up as Beachbody Coach. The moment that would forever change our lives.

TODAY...I know without a doubt who I am, my purpose here on earth, and I feel a never ending fire burning within me to be a lighthouse for others who are in that same hole I was, to help them see that they have the power to change their story in this very moment and write the rest of their life story. I feel a burning mission inside to help people KNOW WHO THEY ARE, and to empower themselves through health and fitness. The past 2.5 years have been some of the HARDEST and most life changing years of our lives. I overcame an eating disorder, Chris was able to go off depression mediation and go through some intense OCD therapy and find freedom, I went through a risky fetal surgery for my 4th baby and was on hospital bedrest afterwards. I've learned how to juggle 4 young kids, and go to all the appointments that come with Spina Bifida, find out I have an autoimmune disease and still build this business while my husband was an hour away at work working 12 hours. I had more moments than I could count where I doubted that I could do this. Through all of those trials, I kept my eyes on WHY......

WHY is today so significant???

Because thanks to this incredible opportunity, Chris was able to put in his notice at his job. In 3 weeks - our dream will be a reality. The dream I would day dream about...him not leaving before the sun comes up, him seeing the kids for more than 2 hours a day. I DREAMED about having a FULL TIME FAMILY. I dreamed of having him home to help with Camden. The thought of him being able to help take the kids to school and coach their sport teams, and do this business with me at home and pursue HIS dream. I dreamed of him being able to use his story to help others, and to have the FREEDOM of TIME! TIME is PRICELESS. This is our ONE LIFE and I wanted to live it to the fullest! I thought of how many more people we can reach as we combine forces. After all, that's what life is all about...helping others. #everyonematters

So today..I will write in my journal how much gratitude I feel for this dream coming true. To bring our family this freedom of TIME. I'll write of how we're moving to Utah to allow Camden to get the care he deserves at the Spina Bifida Clinic in Salt Lake City and how I get choked up thinking about how we're able to help him in this way. I'll write how much gratitude I feel for a loving Heavenly Father who has prepared us to be able to do this, and who has place those promptings in our hearts to make this decision NOW.

We are truly moving forward with faith and jumping and spreading our wings.

Thank you Carl Daikeler for this opportunity that has blessed our family more than you'll ever know. Thank you to my amazing team, who are like sisters to me. This is just the start for Unbreakable Nation 

A musing about starting and stopping

This week I was chatting with a friend at work about how I almost didn't come in to work that day.  He said, "yah me too."  I guess he was out until 2:00 a.m.  I then commented, "I considered it but I decided that going to work is just what I do."  He chuckled and said, "yep that's what we do."  How often do you think I would go to work if I had to decide every morning based on how I feel?  I'm pretty sure my bosses would hand me a pink slip pretty quick if how I felt determined my choice each morning.  And so it is with so many things in life.

Back when I was much younger, I made some choices that weren't too wise.  When I decided that I was ready to make changes, I only had to decide that I didn't do those things anymore once.  I knew that if I were to wait until I was in certain situations to decide that I would be playing with fire.  So I just said, "I don't do those things anymore."  I haven't looked back since.

This concept has application in so many areas of life.  I have had a few people ask me how I am able to workout and eat healthy all the time.  To be honest at this point it's pretty simple.  It's just what I do.  It took some work to get over the bad habits and to implement the good ones but once I decided that this is my lifestyle, I haven't looked back.  I don't plan on looking back either.  How could I?  This lifestyle feels amazing!

So as you may be thinking about some of the things that you would like to change in life, remember that it is so much easier to decide once and then just follow through with that choice day in and day out.  I love working out because it is such a mental game and it trains me to ignore the negative self doubts and overcome with each new choice.

Time..

I've been really bad at updating..and honestly, I tried many times to sit down and write, but it just wasn't there. And I should know better and remember, that when I don't feel like it, is when I need to do these things the most.

I've sat here wondering how to update..because time always eases the pain. I felt a lot of frustration, anger, confusion and heartache last week..and at the same time I felt comfort. But after all is said and done..I just NEVER felt that peace that all doors were shut and that was the end. That was the hardest part..I was trying to do what I felt was right, I was following the guidance of the spirit in going to Nashville, I've always felt like this fetal surgery was what we were supposed to do..so being told No by 1 Doctor, not the spirit, after we made that sacrifice was so hard to accept.

But we did.

We packed up our bags and flew home. We prayed for comfort that that was the end and we tried to move on with our lives. But my heart was just empty. I tried to throw myself back into work and I tried to walk around the house and get into the festivities of Halloween, and I tried to volunteer at Addy's school..but I felt like I was in a twilight zone and this was just not what I was supposed to be doing. I thought that maybe I just wasn't being humble enough..and this whole time I was doing something that "I" wanted to do. But there's nothing fun or enticing about this surgery. It scares me and it has it's risks..but I was doing it because I felt it was right for our family.

Looking back at Nashville there are lots of blessings that happened. We didn't go there for nothing

Everything happens for a reason.

After being told during our evaluation on Monday that there were some abnormalities with my placenta and that they wanted to wait and see if it healed..we had a series of events that lead us to opportunities to forget about ourselves and help others and share the gospel of Jesus Christ. We helped 2 homeless men that in return helped us more than we helped them. Isn't it funny how that happens? :) It reminded me of the importance of slowing down in life. We didn't have non-stop errands to be running there..so when someone stopped and asked for help, we spent hours talking with them and getting to know their story. What an amazing experience that is. To hear what happened along the way to bring them to where they are now..and share with them how this isn't the end of their story, and how they can move forward and start new. It was so humbling to experience that and remember that EVERY SINGLE person on this earth is struggling with something. Our struggles are just all different. But when we help one another, it eases our burdens. We had lunch with one of them, and helped him find an AA meeting/house. The other we spent the next few days, helping him with different things and having the missionaries meet with him in our hotel room. We've talked with him since coming home, and we know those experiences will always stay with us.

Everything happens for a reason.

We were able to meet a family that had the fetal surgery almost a year ago and meet their adorable little girl. To see her and ask them questions was a priceless experience.

Everything happens for a reason.

We learned more about Camden, about the surgery and what his struggles mean right now. He doesn't have hydrocephalus yet, but he does have the hindbrain herniation which is where the brain is being sucked like a vacuum into his spine, from the hole in his spine. The #1 benefit of fetal surgery, is it reverses that quickly. So being able to do the surgery would help his brain go back where it's supposed to, and he wouldn't get hydrocephalus since he doesn't have it yet. We learned that his defect/lesion in his spine is larger than we thought and the nerves that are connected with those open lumbar regions in his spine mainly affect him from the hips down. Again..closing that hole could prevent more damage to the nerves and be amazing for Camden. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Onto the whirlwind of events yesterday: 

I had 2 Doctor appointments yesterday. 1 with a new High Risk Specialist who is nationally known and came highly recommended. When he heard about our story this far, he made calls to Denver Children's Hospital where he personally knows 2 of the Doctors on the Fetal Surgery team and asked them if they would consider our case. They said yes. This was before ever meeting us. When we came in yesterday I was blown away by his enthusiasm and energy and expertise. I felt so comforted moving forward knowing I was in good hands. He told us what he'd been doing so far with our case and I immediately asked about the issues with the placenta. He pointed to the ultra sound screen and said, "THESE??? You're worried about these placental lakes?!?!"

I started laughing and said, well yes..that's why Vanderbilt wouldn't do the surgery.
He continued to tell us that 1 in 10 women have these during their pregnancies and they're nothing to be concerned about. But with fetal surgery, the main 3 hospitals don't like anything less than perfect so they always have the best possible outcomes. Understandable..but we've also felt very strongly knowing that I will be okay, and Denver won't put me at risk just to do a surgery..that wouldn't benefit them at all.

We've learned that the neurosurgeon that will be performing the surgery on Camden was trained under the Doctor who created the surgery, and he was part of the Mom's study and now trains other hospitals in how to do this surgery. So the entire team may not be the best, but the Surgeon is one of the best.  My Doctor strongly suggested meeting with them. so we are.  We went to the temple last night and received the answers we needed, as hard as they are to accept and do this all over again. Everything is already set in place and Colorado will be flying us out and providing us with housing.
Huge blessings.
We leave Sunday night, evaluations all day Monday, and I believe surgery is Tuesday but I'm not sure. Friday will be my deadline, when I'm 26 weeks, so it's somewhat ironic that this all fell into place for us just in time. ;) 

Everything happens for a reason.

We have done everything we can. We didn't go searching for this last option..it fell into our laps and we know without a doubt that we need to do it. We don't want to..this isn't convenient, we're emotionally exhausted, I am scared for the unknowns of never being in surgery before and praying my body can keep him in as long as possible, and we don't enjoy throwing other people's lives out of whack to help us, but when the Spirit speaks, we listen. and there is always a reason for everything. 

It has been an absolute roller coaster, but HIS will, will always work out in HIS time. This life was not meant to be easy...it's simply a test, and this song has brought us comfort this week as we've tried to be patient during our test.

Tell me friend, why are you blind?Why doesn't he who worked the miraclessend light into your eyesTell me friend if you understand.Why doesn't he with power to raise the dead just make you whole again?It would be so easy for him.I watch you and in sorrow question why.Then you my friend in perfect faith reply.

Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?Didn't he say the way would not be sure?But didn't he say that we could live with himForever more, well and whole,If we but patiently endure?After the trial we would be blessedBut this life is the test.

Tell me friend, I see your pain.Why when you pray in faith for healing does the crippling thorn remain?Help me see if you understand.Why doesn't he who heal the lame mancome with healing in his wings?It would be so easy for him.I watch you and in sorrow question whyThen you my friend in perfect faith reply

Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?Didn't he say the way would not be sure?But didn't he say that we could live with himForever more, well and whole,If we but patiently endure?After the trialWe would be blessed.But this life is the test.

Tell me love why must you die?Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms and ask the question why?Help me know so I can go on.How when your love in faith sustain me,Can the precious gift be gone?From the depths of sorrow I cry.Though pangs of grief within my soul arise,The whisperings of the spirit still my cries.

Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?Didn't he say the way would not be sure?But didn't he say we could live with himForever more, well and whole,If we but patiently endure?After the trial we would be blessed.But this life is the test.

Our Guided Journey

I'm not quite sure where to start..

So after we were told No, because my previa was complete..we went to work, not wanting to accept No for an answer. I started talking to Denver, but felt uneasy. I didn't like that they did it different than the leading hospitals, I didn't like that as much as I wanted the surgery, I didn't like the risks that doing it with the previa there, opened up. So we prayed..we knew that we needed a miracle. And we know that through our faith, and according to the will of our Heavenly Father..He can work miracles. Through Priesthood Blessings and through the prayers of everyone praying for us and through our prayers..we received our miracle just in time. A week and a half after my ultrasound confirming I have complete Placenta Previa, I had another ultrasound confirming that it was gone. That it was 3.2 cm away from my cervix, and hadn't just budged a little..it moved completely out of the way, opening up the option to do this surgery.

 A miracle.

Every Doctor has told me that they've never seen it move in the time frame we needed.

I would be one in a million if it did.

And it did.

So after crying, and saying prayers of gratitude..we went to work calling San Francisco to move forward. Another roadblock was brought up to test our faith: "Your insurance won't budge with us, and our rules are that it needs to be paid for upfront before the surgery is performed." Definitely not an option.  But luckily the lady there is amazing and suggested we call other hospitals because SF is one of the most expensive due to cost of living there. So we did, and we were once again guided to where we needed to go. Vanderbilt Children's Hospital in Nashville, TN is cheaper, they're one of the top 3 best that started the surgery study and they will do the surgery before knowing what the insurance says. They have payment plans, and are so understanding and flexible. The lady immediately had me fax everything over, she looked them over and said, go get an amnio and you'll be set.

"Can you be here on Monday for an evaluation and we'll do the surgery on Tuesday?? "

This was on Tuesday. Today is Thursday, and the amnio was done on Tuesday, last of records were sent yesterday..flights are booked, plans are made to drop our kids off in Idaho to be with family while Chris and I go to Nashville.

The biggest lesson we've learned is to never stop. To have faith means to step forward, and keep stepping forward knowing you'll be guided in the direction you need to go.  And when it's meant to happen, things will be worked out to make them happen.

These past 2 weeks have been guided..there's no doubt about that. The way things fell into place on such a time crunch..the way appts were cancelled so I could be seen in time, the way people were kind and told us to call other places..the way nurses faxed things on time for us. And most of all, our miracle of having the previa moved. There's NO DOUBT in my mind, that this surgery is going make a huge difference for Camden. I know that. I may be terrified, never having had a surgery before... so I've never even been put out. But I KNOW that I am being guided, strengthened, and lead to do what's best for Camden. I'll be in the best hands possible with the best staff who has done this many times. It's all starting to set in, and I am scared..but I know it will be okay. I have faith..I know that Camden has angels watching over him..I have a husband who has been my rock, my support and who will be there holding my hand every step of the way and I have a Heavenly Father and Savior who are always there for me.

I feel an amazing connection with Camden and I feel his strength and I can't wait to have this all be over and hold him, and look into his eyes and thank him for choosing us. He's already changing us and will continue to help us become the people we need to be. I am so grateful for this opportunity, and for the lessons I've already learned. I'm grateful for the timing of it..for the way being Beachbody coaches has already helped get us to the point to where we CAN handle this. Where we do Dream, where we do Believe, and where we will Achieve. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually,  physically and financially, we have been prepared for this time in our lives. Thank you for the prayers and support on our behalf. We will never be able to express how much we have felt it, and how much it means to us. 

Now onto the next step of our guided journey....to be continued! 

Roller Coasters

I grew up really enjoying Amusement Parks. I like the thrill and the scare, partly because I could see the entire ride from beginning to end. I could see the scary parts, and the calm parts and I saw the end where I would be over and I would be okay.

I wish life could be exactly like a roller coaster. We compare trials to them a lot, but today when I was thinking about this, I realized that really, they're only okay because we can SEE it all. In life, we don't have that luxury. We need to cling to faith that our Father in Heaven is in control and He DOES see the beginning to the end, and He has a much greater plan for us than we could ever make happen.

But today, I realized that I have faith in my own life and I'm okay with handing my life over..BUT it has proven much harder for me to have complete faith in turning Baby Camden's life over. We felt inspired to move forward with an Interuterin Surgery which has to be done by November 7th. This surgery drastically improves his quality of life. Instead of allowing fluid flow into his brain for another 19 weeks, this would stop the flow immediately. I felt such peace researching this, which is huge because I've never had a surgery in my life, let alone putting my children through one is the last thing I want. But the outcome of this is SO GREAT that I allowed myself to research it, call hospitals and see what we needed to do.

Well, we sent my records over and got a call today saying that RIGHT NOW, my placenta previa is complete which means the Doctors wouldn't consider me for the surgery. AND, our insurance isn't covering anything.

To say I'm devastated at the moment is an understatement. I'm confused, I'm angry, I feel so completely helpless that it's making it really hard to have faith in what is supposed to happen. What the plan is for Camden. How when I'm trying to do my part to take care of him, that something this great wouldn't be allowed. I'm so at a loss with how to pray..I KNOW that he has an amazing mission to fulfill, and I know that he is ultimately Heavenly Father's son..and that HE will take care of Camden - but I wish I could see the end of this roller coaster. I wish I knew what to do.

So I did the only thing I knew what to do..to try and feel some comfort right now. I listened to a talk by the prophet.

"We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. We have the promise, "pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.

As our prayers ascend heavenward, let us not forget the words taught to us by the Savior. When He faced the excruciating agony of Gethsemane and the cross, He prayed to the Father, "Not my will, but thing, be done." Difficult as it may at times be, it is for us, as well, to trust our Heavenly Father to know best how and when and in what manner to provide the help we seek.

I cherish the words of this poem:

I know now by what methods rare,
But this I know, God answers prayer.
I know that He has given His Word,
Which tells me prayer is always heard.
And will be answered, soon or late.
And so I pray and calmly wait.
I know not if the blessing soughtWill come in just the way I thought,
But leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own,
assured that He will grant my quest,
or send some answer far more blest. "

I need to be humble...I need to be patient...and I need to devour myself in prayer and pray to know HIS will and trust that Camden will be OKAY.

Just Another Friday..

Have you ever had a moment in your life where everything changed? Like..you knew the rest of your life was going to be forever different??

I had never had this happen before. Except for moments like getting married and the delivery of my babies.

But this was different...

My day had gone like this...woke up, had breakfast as a family, a coach call with one of my coaches, and then I rushed off for my 20 week ultrasound and doctor appointment. My ultrasound was taking longer than normal, but I loved every minute of seeing that little boy. I waited for my Doctor appointment, but it was getting over an hour wait and I finally called Chris to come get me. This was my 4th, I knew that these monthly appointments lasted 10 minutes and I would be fine waiting another month...so I thought!
 So he picked me up and we went home. It was a beautiful day here in Vegas. We had the windows open and I was SOOO happy. It was just a great day, and I couldn't wait to be playing outside with my family. The day continued on and then around 5pm, my beautiful little family, my husband, my 5 year old daughter Addison, my 3 year old son Mason, and my 2 year old daughter McKinley and I were all on our way to the park. Addison had been asking to go disc golfing again and we thought that was a genius idea.

On the way to the park I listened to my messages on my phone and one of them was from my Doctor and he said this:
"Mindy, I'm sorry we missed you earlier, I'm so sorry about the wait. But I'm looking at your films here and there are some things we need to discuss and I need to have you referred to a specialist."

My heart sank.

Not knowing what anything was, my motherly instincts for this little boy came out and my mind was racing. We discussed what all the options could be while at the park, but there was no way I was present with my family..my mind was just spinning. I called him back and he told me the news:

"There's an opening in your son's spine at the very bottom which is a sign of Spina Bifida. There's also some dilation in his brain in 2 spots, he has club feet and you're showing signs of Placenta Previa."

Again..my heart dropped even lower. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel, or what I was supposed to do. I didn't know how this was caused, how a perfectly normal pregnancy, and my healthiest could all of sudden turn like that.

But through all of these thoughts, I simply told him. "okay..we can only move forward..this is something that is out of our control. I know there's a reason for this and Heavenly Father's WILL, will happen."

We set up the referral and over the next few days I researched what all these unknown terms were and I cried and cried like I never had before. Mainly over how I was going to go through all of this. How we were going to make this work with Chris's job, how he was supposed to take time off for the surgeries and how I was going to go from barely handling my own 3 kids right now, to taking care of 4, one of which will take extra special care. How I was going to keep working from home and and managing everything. I cried for our baby..I cried for the pain he would have to endure, the way he'll be taken right after delivery into surgery..how this wasn't how deliveries were supposed to happen!! I'm supposed to be excited about delivery, and over holding him close for hours after and being able to tell him everything is going to be okay!!

Everyone keeps telling me, everything is going to be okay!! I know that, but I don't know what okay is!!! I don't know if okay is that he'll come out and walk, with no brain damage or if he'll have extensive brain damage and not walk. I don't know if he'll be a rare percentage that are meant to have a short time on earth or not.
I don't know any of this. I DO know that whatever happens, it's going to be okay - I know that.

I just wish I knew the outcome now.
I wish I could take his pain away.
I wish that I had a crystal ball and could see the future.

But you know what??
Through this all, I have felt arms wrapped around me from my Savior and from my Father in Heaven. This is His child. He has entrusted this amazing little angel into our lives for a reason. To teach us. To strengthen us. And everything WILL be okay..because our Father in Heaven is the one in charge and that brings me more comfort than anything a Doctor will tell me. I know that we'll be guided, we'll be comforted to know what path to take with his care. I know that he will be born the way he is supposed to be to live out this special mission he has before him. I know that I am extremely blessed to have such a special spirit growing inside of me and that bond I feel with him is unlike anything I've felt before.

We are lucky.
We will be taken care of.
And even though I feel so inadequate, and I feel like I'm not grown up enough yet to even have 4 kids - that my weaknesses will be made up for. I do have faith. I have my moments where I feel strong, and I have my moments where I cry out for help. But I have faith and I believe in Eternal families and I believe in Heavenly Father knowing the start from the end with our lives. It's all going to be okay. I don't know how...but it will be.


Our little Angel