Roller Coasters

I grew up really enjoying Amusement Parks. I like the thrill and the scare, partly because I could see the entire ride from beginning to end. I could see the scary parts, and the calm parts and I saw the end where I would be over and I would be okay.

I wish life could be exactly like a roller coaster. We compare trials to them a lot, but today when I was thinking about this, I realized that really, they're only okay because we can SEE it all. In life, we don't have that luxury. We need to cling to faith that our Father in Heaven is in control and He DOES see the beginning to the end, and He has a much greater plan for us than we could ever make happen.

But today, I realized that I have faith in my own life and I'm okay with handing my life over..BUT it has proven much harder for me to have complete faith in turning Baby Camden's life over. We felt inspired to move forward with an Interuterin Surgery which has to be done by November 7th. This surgery drastically improves his quality of life. Instead of allowing fluid flow into his brain for another 19 weeks, this would stop the flow immediately. I felt such peace researching this, which is huge because I've never had a surgery in my life, let alone putting my children through one is the last thing I want. But the outcome of this is SO GREAT that I allowed myself to research it, call hospitals and see what we needed to do.

Well, we sent my records over and got a call today saying that RIGHT NOW, my placenta previa is complete which means the Doctors wouldn't consider me for the surgery. AND, our insurance isn't covering anything.

To say I'm devastated at the moment is an understatement. I'm confused, I'm angry, I feel so completely helpless that it's making it really hard to have faith in what is supposed to happen. What the plan is for Camden. How when I'm trying to do my part to take care of him, that something this great wouldn't be allowed. I'm so at a loss with how to pray..I KNOW that he has an amazing mission to fulfill, and I know that he is ultimately Heavenly Father's son..and that HE will take care of Camden - but I wish I could see the end of this roller coaster. I wish I knew what to do.

So I did the only thing I knew what to do..to try and feel some comfort right now. I listened to a talk by the prophet.

"We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. We have the promise, "pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.

As our prayers ascend heavenward, let us not forget the words taught to us by the Savior. When He faced the excruciating agony of Gethsemane and the cross, He prayed to the Father, "Not my will, but thing, be done." Difficult as it may at times be, it is for us, as well, to trust our Heavenly Father to know best how and when and in what manner to provide the help we seek.

I cherish the words of this poem:

I know now by what methods rare,
But this I know, God answers prayer.
I know that He has given His Word,
Which tells me prayer is always heard.
And will be answered, soon or late.
And so I pray and calmly wait.
I know not if the blessing soughtWill come in just the way I thought,
But leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own,
assured that He will grant my quest,
or send some answer far more blest. "

I need to be humble...I need to be patient...and I need to devour myself in prayer and pray to know HIS will and trust that Camden will be OKAY.

Just Another Friday..

Have you ever had a moment in your life where everything changed? Like..you knew the rest of your life was going to be forever different??

I had never had this happen before. Except for moments like getting married and the delivery of my babies.

But this was different...

My day had gone like this...woke up, had breakfast as a family, a coach call with one of my coaches, and then I rushed off for my 20 week ultrasound and doctor appointment. My ultrasound was taking longer than normal, but I loved every minute of seeing that little boy. I waited for my Doctor appointment, but it was getting over an hour wait and I finally called Chris to come get me. This was my 4th, I knew that these monthly appointments lasted 10 minutes and I would be fine waiting another month...so I thought!
 So he picked me up and we went home. It was a beautiful day here in Vegas. We had the windows open and I was SOOO happy. It was just a great day, and I couldn't wait to be playing outside with my family. The day continued on and then around 5pm, my beautiful little family, my husband, my 5 year old daughter Addison, my 3 year old son Mason, and my 2 year old daughter McKinley and I were all on our way to the park. Addison had been asking to go disc golfing again and we thought that was a genius idea.

On the way to the park I listened to my messages on my phone and one of them was from my Doctor and he said this:
"Mindy, I'm sorry we missed you earlier, I'm so sorry about the wait. But I'm looking at your films here and there are some things we need to discuss and I need to have you referred to a specialist."

My heart sank.

Not knowing what anything was, my motherly instincts for this little boy came out and my mind was racing. We discussed what all the options could be while at the park, but there was no way I was present with my family..my mind was just spinning. I called him back and he told me the news:

"There's an opening in your son's spine at the very bottom which is a sign of Spina Bifida. There's also some dilation in his brain in 2 spots, he has club feet and you're showing signs of Placenta Previa."

Again..my heart dropped even lower. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel, or what I was supposed to do. I didn't know how this was caused, how a perfectly normal pregnancy, and my healthiest could all of sudden turn like that.

But through all of these thoughts, I simply told him. "okay..we can only move forward..this is something that is out of our control. I know there's a reason for this and Heavenly Father's WILL, will happen."

We set up the referral and over the next few days I researched what all these unknown terms were and I cried and cried like I never had before. Mainly over how I was going to go through all of this. How we were going to make this work with Chris's job, how he was supposed to take time off for the surgeries and how I was going to go from barely handling my own 3 kids right now, to taking care of 4, one of which will take extra special care. How I was going to keep working from home and and managing everything. I cried for our baby..I cried for the pain he would have to endure, the way he'll be taken right after delivery into surgery..how this wasn't how deliveries were supposed to happen!! I'm supposed to be excited about delivery, and over holding him close for hours after and being able to tell him everything is going to be okay!!

Everyone keeps telling me, everything is going to be okay!! I know that, but I don't know what okay is!!! I don't know if okay is that he'll come out and walk, with no brain damage or if he'll have extensive brain damage and not walk. I don't know if he'll be a rare percentage that are meant to have a short time on earth or not.
I don't know any of this. I DO know that whatever happens, it's going to be okay - I know that.

I just wish I knew the outcome now.
I wish I could take his pain away.
I wish that I had a crystal ball and could see the future.

But you know what??
Through this all, I have felt arms wrapped around me from my Savior and from my Father in Heaven. This is His child. He has entrusted this amazing little angel into our lives for a reason. To teach us. To strengthen us. And everything WILL be okay..because our Father in Heaven is the one in charge and that brings me more comfort than anything a Doctor will tell me. I know that we'll be guided, we'll be comforted to know what path to take with his care. I know that he will be born the way he is supposed to be to live out this special mission he has before him. I know that I am extremely blessed to have such a special spirit growing inside of me and that bond I feel with him is unlike anything I've felt before.

We are lucky.
We will be taken care of.
And even though I feel so inadequate, and I feel like I'm not grown up enough yet to even have 4 kids - that my weaknesses will be made up for. I do have faith. I have my moments where I feel strong, and I have my moments where I cry out for help. But I have faith and I believe in Eternal families and I believe in Heavenly Father knowing the start from the end with our lives. It's all going to be okay. I don't know how...but it will be.


Our little Angel