Roller Coasters

I grew up really enjoying Amusement Parks. I like the thrill and the scare, partly because I could see the entire ride from beginning to end. I could see the scary parts, and the calm parts and I saw the end where I would be over and I would be okay.

I wish life could be exactly like a roller coaster. We compare trials to them a lot, but today when I was thinking about this, I realized that really, they're only okay because we can SEE it all. In life, we don't have that luxury. We need to cling to faith that our Father in Heaven is in control and He DOES see the beginning to the end, and He has a much greater plan for us than we could ever make happen.

But today, I realized that I have faith in my own life and I'm okay with handing my life over..BUT it has proven much harder for me to have complete faith in turning Baby Camden's life over. We felt inspired to move forward with an Interuterin Surgery which has to be done by November 7th. This surgery drastically improves his quality of life. Instead of allowing fluid flow into his brain for another 19 weeks, this would stop the flow immediately. I felt such peace researching this, which is huge because I've never had a surgery in my life, let alone putting my children through one is the last thing I want. But the outcome of this is SO GREAT that I allowed myself to research it, call hospitals and see what we needed to do.

Well, we sent my records over and got a call today saying that RIGHT NOW, my placenta previa is complete which means the Doctors wouldn't consider me for the surgery. AND, our insurance isn't covering anything.

To say I'm devastated at the moment is an understatement. I'm confused, I'm angry, I feel so completely helpless that it's making it really hard to have faith in what is supposed to happen. What the plan is for Camden. How when I'm trying to do my part to take care of him, that something this great wouldn't be allowed. I'm so at a loss with how to pray..I KNOW that he has an amazing mission to fulfill, and I know that he is ultimately Heavenly Father's son..and that HE will take care of Camden - but I wish I could see the end of this roller coaster. I wish I knew what to do.

So I did the only thing I knew what to do..to try and feel some comfort right now. I listened to a talk by the prophet.

"We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. We have the promise, "pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.

As our prayers ascend heavenward, let us not forget the words taught to us by the Savior. When He faced the excruciating agony of Gethsemane and the cross, He prayed to the Father, "Not my will, but thing, be done." Difficult as it may at times be, it is for us, as well, to trust our Heavenly Father to know best how and when and in what manner to provide the help we seek.

I cherish the words of this poem:

I know now by what methods rare,
But this I know, God answers prayer.
I know that He has given His Word,
Which tells me prayer is always heard.
And will be answered, soon or late.
And so I pray and calmly wait.
I know not if the blessing soughtWill come in just the way I thought,
But leave my prayers with Him alone,
Whose will is wiser than my own,
assured that He will grant my quest,
or send some answer far more blest. "

I need to be humble...I need to be patient...and I need to devour myself in prayer and pray to know HIS will and trust that Camden will be OKAY.