Time..

I've been really bad at updating..and honestly, I tried many times to sit down and write, but it just wasn't there. And I should know better and remember, that when I don't feel like it, is when I need to do these things the most.

I've sat here wondering how to update..because time always eases the pain. I felt a lot of frustration, anger, confusion and heartache last week..and at the same time I felt comfort. But after all is said and done..I just NEVER felt that peace that all doors were shut and that was the end. That was the hardest part..I was trying to do what I felt was right, I was following the guidance of the spirit in going to Nashville, I've always felt like this fetal surgery was what we were supposed to do..so being told No by 1 Doctor, not the spirit, after we made that sacrifice was so hard to accept.

But we did.

We packed up our bags and flew home. We prayed for comfort that that was the end and we tried to move on with our lives. But my heart was just empty. I tried to throw myself back into work and I tried to walk around the house and get into the festivities of Halloween, and I tried to volunteer at Addy's school..but I felt like I was in a twilight zone and this was just not what I was supposed to be doing. I thought that maybe I just wasn't being humble enough..and this whole time I was doing something that "I" wanted to do. But there's nothing fun or enticing about this surgery. It scares me and it has it's risks..but I was doing it because I felt it was right for our family.

Looking back at Nashville there are lots of blessings that happened. We didn't go there for nothing

Everything happens for a reason.

After being told during our evaluation on Monday that there were some abnormalities with my placenta and that they wanted to wait and see if it healed..we had a series of events that lead us to opportunities to forget about ourselves and help others and share the gospel of Jesus Christ. We helped 2 homeless men that in return helped us more than we helped them. Isn't it funny how that happens? :) It reminded me of the importance of slowing down in life. We didn't have non-stop errands to be running there..so when someone stopped and asked for help, we spent hours talking with them and getting to know their story. What an amazing experience that is. To hear what happened along the way to bring them to where they are now..and share with them how this isn't the end of their story, and how they can move forward and start new. It was so humbling to experience that and remember that EVERY SINGLE person on this earth is struggling with something. Our struggles are just all different. But when we help one another, it eases our burdens. We had lunch with one of them, and helped him find an AA meeting/house. The other we spent the next few days, helping him with different things and having the missionaries meet with him in our hotel room. We've talked with him since coming home, and we know those experiences will always stay with us.

Everything happens for a reason.

We were able to meet a family that had the fetal surgery almost a year ago and meet their adorable little girl. To see her and ask them questions was a priceless experience.

Everything happens for a reason.

We learned more about Camden, about the surgery and what his struggles mean right now. He doesn't have hydrocephalus yet, but he does have the hindbrain herniation which is where the brain is being sucked like a vacuum into his spine, from the hole in his spine. The #1 benefit of fetal surgery, is it reverses that quickly. So being able to do the surgery would help his brain go back where it's supposed to, and he wouldn't get hydrocephalus since he doesn't have it yet. We learned that his defect/lesion in his spine is larger than we thought and the nerves that are connected with those open lumbar regions in his spine mainly affect him from the hips down. Again..closing that hole could prevent more damage to the nerves and be amazing for Camden. 

Everything happens for a reason.

Onto the whirlwind of events yesterday: 

I had 2 Doctor appointments yesterday. 1 with a new High Risk Specialist who is nationally known and came highly recommended. When he heard about our story this far, he made calls to Denver Children's Hospital where he personally knows 2 of the Doctors on the Fetal Surgery team and asked them if they would consider our case. They said yes. This was before ever meeting us. When we came in yesterday I was blown away by his enthusiasm and energy and expertise. I felt so comforted moving forward knowing I was in good hands. He told us what he'd been doing so far with our case and I immediately asked about the issues with the placenta. He pointed to the ultra sound screen and said, "THESE??? You're worried about these placental lakes?!?!"

I started laughing and said, well yes..that's why Vanderbilt wouldn't do the surgery.
He continued to tell us that 1 in 10 women have these during their pregnancies and they're nothing to be concerned about. But with fetal surgery, the main 3 hospitals don't like anything less than perfect so they always have the best possible outcomes. Understandable..but we've also felt very strongly knowing that I will be okay, and Denver won't put me at risk just to do a surgery..that wouldn't benefit them at all.

We've learned that the neurosurgeon that will be performing the surgery on Camden was trained under the Doctor who created the surgery, and he was part of the Mom's study and now trains other hospitals in how to do this surgery. So the entire team may not be the best, but the Surgeon is one of the best.  My Doctor strongly suggested meeting with them. so we are.  We went to the temple last night and received the answers we needed, as hard as they are to accept and do this all over again. Everything is already set in place and Colorado will be flying us out and providing us with housing.
Huge blessings.
We leave Sunday night, evaluations all day Monday, and I believe surgery is Tuesday but I'm not sure. Friday will be my deadline, when I'm 26 weeks, so it's somewhat ironic that this all fell into place for us just in time. ;) 

Everything happens for a reason.

We have done everything we can. We didn't go searching for this last option..it fell into our laps and we know without a doubt that we need to do it. We don't want to..this isn't convenient, we're emotionally exhausted, I am scared for the unknowns of never being in surgery before and praying my body can keep him in as long as possible, and we don't enjoy throwing other people's lives out of whack to help us, but when the Spirit speaks, we listen. and there is always a reason for everything. 

It has been an absolute roller coaster, but HIS will, will always work out in HIS time. This life was not meant to be easy...it's simply a test, and this song has brought us comfort this week as we've tried to be patient during our test.

Tell me friend, why are you blind?Why doesn't he who worked the miraclessend light into your eyesTell me friend if you understand.Why doesn't he with power to raise the dead just make you whole again?It would be so easy for him.I watch you and in sorrow question why.Then you my friend in perfect faith reply.

Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?Didn't he say the way would not be sure?But didn't he say that we could live with himForever more, well and whole,If we but patiently endure?After the trial we would be blessedBut this life is the test.

Tell me friend, I see your pain.Why when you pray in faith for healing does the crippling thorn remain?Help me see if you understand.Why doesn't he who heal the lame mancome with healing in his wings?It would be so easy for him.I watch you and in sorrow question whyThen you my friend in perfect faith reply

Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?Didn't he say the way would not be sure?But didn't he say that we could live with himForever more, well and whole,If we but patiently endure?After the trialWe would be blessed.But this life is the test.

Tell me love why must you die?Why must your loved ones stand with empty arms and ask the question why?Help me know so I can go on.How when your love in faith sustain me,Can the precious gift be gone?From the depths of sorrow I cry.Though pangs of grief within my soul arise,The whisperings of the spirit still my cries.

Didn't he say he sent us to be tested?Didn't he say the way would not be sure?But didn't he say we could live with himForever more, well and whole,If we but patiently endure?After the trial we would be blessed.But this life is the test.

Just Another Friday..

Have you ever had a moment in your life where everything changed? Like..you knew the rest of your life was going to be forever different??

I had never had this happen before. Except for moments like getting married and the delivery of my babies.

But this was different...

My day had gone like this...woke up, had breakfast as a family, a coach call with one of my coaches, and then I rushed off for my 20 week ultrasound and doctor appointment. My ultrasound was taking longer than normal, but I loved every minute of seeing that little boy. I waited for my Doctor appointment, but it was getting over an hour wait and I finally called Chris to come get me. This was my 4th, I knew that these monthly appointments lasted 10 minutes and I would be fine waiting another month...so I thought!
 So he picked me up and we went home. It was a beautiful day here in Vegas. We had the windows open and I was SOOO happy. It was just a great day, and I couldn't wait to be playing outside with my family. The day continued on and then around 5pm, my beautiful little family, my husband, my 5 year old daughter Addison, my 3 year old son Mason, and my 2 year old daughter McKinley and I were all on our way to the park. Addison had been asking to go disc golfing again and we thought that was a genius idea.

On the way to the park I listened to my messages on my phone and one of them was from my Doctor and he said this:
"Mindy, I'm sorry we missed you earlier, I'm so sorry about the wait. But I'm looking at your films here and there are some things we need to discuss and I need to have you referred to a specialist."

My heart sank.

Not knowing what anything was, my motherly instincts for this little boy came out and my mind was racing. We discussed what all the options could be while at the park, but there was no way I was present with my family..my mind was just spinning. I called him back and he told me the news:

"There's an opening in your son's spine at the very bottom which is a sign of Spina Bifida. There's also some dilation in his brain in 2 spots, he has club feet and you're showing signs of Placenta Previa."

Again..my heart dropped even lower. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel, or what I was supposed to do. I didn't know how this was caused, how a perfectly normal pregnancy, and my healthiest could all of sudden turn like that.

But through all of these thoughts, I simply told him. "okay..we can only move forward..this is something that is out of our control. I know there's a reason for this and Heavenly Father's WILL, will happen."

We set up the referral and over the next few days I researched what all these unknown terms were and I cried and cried like I never had before. Mainly over how I was going to go through all of this. How we were going to make this work with Chris's job, how he was supposed to take time off for the surgeries and how I was going to go from barely handling my own 3 kids right now, to taking care of 4, one of which will take extra special care. How I was going to keep working from home and and managing everything. I cried for our baby..I cried for the pain he would have to endure, the way he'll be taken right after delivery into surgery..how this wasn't how deliveries were supposed to happen!! I'm supposed to be excited about delivery, and over holding him close for hours after and being able to tell him everything is going to be okay!!

Everyone keeps telling me, everything is going to be okay!! I know that, but I don't know what okay is!!! I don't know if okay is that he'll come out and walk, with no brain damage or if he'll have extensive brain damage and not walk. I don't know if he'll be a rare percentage that are meant to have a short time on earth or not.
I don't know any of this. I DO know that whatever happens, it's going to be okay - I know that.

I just wish I knew the outcome now.
I wish I could take his pain away.
I wish that I had a crystal ball and could see the future.

But you know what??
Through this all, I have felt arms wrapped around me from my Savior and from my Father in Heaven. This is His child. He has entrusted this amazing little angel into our lives for a reason. To teach us. To strengthen us. And everything WILL be okay..because our Father in Heaven is the one in charge and that brings me more comfort than anything a Doctor will tell me. I know that we'll be guided, we'll be comforted to know what path to take with his care. I know that he will be born the way he is supposed to be to live out this special mission he has before him. I know that I am extremely blessed to have such a special spirit growing inside of me and that bond I feel with him is unlike anything I've felt before.

We are lucky.
We will be taken care of.
And even though I feel so inadequate, and I feel like I'm not grown up enough yet to even have 4 kids - that my weaknesses will be made up for. I do have faith. I have my moments where I feel strong, and I have my moments where I cry out for help. But I have faith and I believe in Eternal families and I believe in Heavenly Father knowing the start from the end with our lives. It's all going to be okay. I don't know how...but it will be.


Our little Angel