This part of my story is in the past...A new page has been turned.

I don't talk about this a lot, because it's still painful and raw. But as far back as I can remember, I hated how I looked..I never liked what I saw in the mirror..I hid away, and wore baggy clothes. I was never one of the skinny kids. I struggled with depression. I've never been able to be like some of my friends and eat whatever I want and not gain weight. So when I was 15, I thought I found a solution. I tried throwing up for the first time and I was so excited. Little did I know, I had just triggered a beast, and an addiction that I would be trapped under for another 12 years. I have NEVER in my life felt so out of control and helpless. I have never felt such fear every time I would eat. No one ever talks about that. They don't talk about how it consumes your thoughts each hour of the day. They don't tell you how you'll never look at food the same, and everything becomes scary to you. You lose your identity and become weak. You lose all confidence you might have had, and you're never enough. 

I went to a year of counseling and I thought I got over the worst of it. But it never left. After I got married and got pregnant, my love for my children outweighed my addiction. But since my body had been in starvation mode for so long, it stored everything I ate and I gained 40 pounds. After I had my first baby, I panicked and after I stopped nursing I went back to my old ways. I didn't feel strong enough to be able to do anything else. 

I was running along with that and lost 30 pounds and then got pregnant again. With each pregnancy the nausea I would deal with from pregnancy got really bad and I was on home IV's so I didn't gain much with the next 2 pregnancies. After my 3rd - I was in the deepest rut of my life. I would look in the mirror and have no idea who was looking back at me. I felt so stuck and out of control. I didn't want to answer the door, I didn't want to be around anyone, and I just wanted to sleep my life away. I love and adore my family, but I was so unhappy with who I was that I felt inadequate to be their Mom and Wife. I didn't want them to look at me and follow my example. I didn't want them to remember me that way. I knew I needed to change.

Sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom so that you can claw your way out and rebuild yourself the way you always wanted to be. 

This was my chance. This was my time to earn my golden ticket at life. I couldn't wait any longer, I had wasted enough years. I needed to learn from them and become the person that was trapped inside. I started researching clean eating. I knew that I needed to tackle that fear of food. As I would shake, looking at the plates full of food - I prayed for strength. And I was blessed to realize very quickly that when you're eating the RIGHT whole foods, that there is nothing to fear. The baby weight was coming off and I was eating 5-6 times a day. That changed everything for me. As I built up strength and started running, I started to feel hope. But we were still missing something. And that's when I found my Beachbody coach on facebook. She gave me hope...hope that things could change for good. I felt deep down that this wasn't how life was supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to feel this way, and we weren't supposed to be stressed about everything. She gave me hope that this was our chance to change and our chance to have faith that we COULD achieve everything we had ever imagined. She believed in me and that was enough for me until I found that belief myself. We started Insanity and Shakeology and that change started happening quickly. We were pushing play to a workout video that was taking us past  our comfort zone and showing us just how strong we are. There's something about fitness that brings out this empowerment and feeling that, WOW - if I can do that, I can do anything!! Shakeology was fueling our bodies with the best nutrients possible, and I felt like my body was coming back to life. I had energy like I'd never had before. My mind was getting more clear, and our bodies were cleaning out and getting refueled with the healthiest meal we could ever have. It has now taken Chris off his anti-depressants. Something he's been on for such a long time. It has truly blessed and changed our lives.

Yes I still struggle with intrusive thoughts. They had been my reality for 12 years, so those don't just go away overnight. When I pass certain stores, and parts of the grocery store, I still have to talk to myself and remind myself how far I've come and how I will NEVER go back to that place. I still struggle with telling myself that I'm beautiful..I still struggle with stress and the immediate reaction to turn to food. Those have been ingrained in me for so long that they don't just disappear. BUT, how I choose to react does..and I know overtime I can and will get rid of those thoughts. I decide each day that I'm stronger than my struggles. I read personal development, I listen to uplifting and motivating speakers, I schedule my day, I set myself up for success by having a clean kitchen..rid of anything that tempts me and isn't good for me. We choose to eat clean, so that we FEEL as good as we can physically and mentally. I CHOOSE and tell myself that I am strong.. and that I have overcome so much in the past 18 months. I refuse to be held captive any longer. This is MY life, and I have the power within to SHINE and to live up to the spirit that is in me. This was my struggle..but it is NOT my identity. And just like everyone else out there..YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR STRUGGLE.

My YouTube Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlB0odqSYEk