It felt so surreal to open this back up and see my last post which was catching up on Nashville.
Has it really been that long ago?? This exact week, last year was when we got the phone call saying.."Mindy, call me back..we need to discuss your ultrasound results. There's dilation in the brain, an opening in the spine...."
ONE YEAR AGO!
I feel like it was yesterday. I know that day..I know where I was standing..I know the time that I called the Doctor back..I still feel those feeling. I feel like I'm still going through those emotions. I still feel that whirlwind and I feel GUILT for not being over it. I feel like if it's been ONE YEAR and that I should be in this other place..physically, mentally, spiritually. All of it...
Yes, I'm venting here, and yes I know that I shouldn't be feeling guilt. I know that. But I am - and I'm slowly working on it. I know things take time, and I know that my body went through a lot, yada yada...
But because I always vow to be 100% open and honest and raw - I'm laying it out there.
I'm grateful I have a job that allows me to work so much on myself inside and out. Because from the day we found out about what that ultrasound showed, I was able to put these tools that I've learned to work. I was able to bounce back from fear and depression, I was able to KEEP MOVING FORWARD as doors would get slammed in our faces. I was able to stay strong and healthy as we ended up having the Fetal Surgery. (YES there's so much to catch up on!) I was able to survive the month on bedrest in the hospital away from family and through the Holidays. I was able to survive driving up to the NICU day after day after delivery and then ultimately bringing this perfect little boy home and start a new phase of life: Dealing with Doctors who don't see past the text book and weekly appointments and all of sudden being back in "MOM" mode with 4 kids now and still feeling like I hadn't dealt with everything that just happened. I had all these "expectations" (or so I thought) of me to just jump back into everything and part of me wanted to run back to the hospital just so I could BREATHE and catch up.
I knew the person I was before all of this, and I so desperately wanted to go back there. People kept telling me I was strong..
I'm sorry - that's the last word I would use to describe how I felt.
I felt like I was in the eye of a tornado and I felt calm but everything around me was spinning.
But through it all - I did have this peace. At times I guess I did feel strong - because what choice do you have? Decisions had to be made on a daily basis..there was never time to "take your time and think about it."
But I felt this added strength. I needed to be strong. Life is hard and we NEED to know that we ARE capable and we ARE strong.
I had a husband who was trying to deal with his own trials and handle everything as a husband AND as a mom while I was in Colorado, and then here in the hospital in Vegas. I had family members coming in to take care of my kids and celebrate Christmas with them. I needed to be strong when they came up to see me, I needed to be strong so my body could stay relaxed and not go into labor. I needed to be strong for everyone that was following.
And I was blessed..I know there were angels with me the whole time.
I know 100% that God has a plan for each one of us. He knows the beginning to the end, and He knows what we are capable of. He knows what we need to become who we are. I know that as we align our will with His, and as we let ourselves go to be molded and refined that we will come out the other side stronger than ever.
I may feel all the emotions at times, but I also know that I can take on anything. I'm beyond grateful for each and every heartache, and hard time, and even though I'm still sorting it out..that I can find PEACE through Him.
I won't find it any other way. I get to snuggle and hold the most peaceful, chubby, bright blue eyed, strong boy there is. He has changed us. He has shown us how to FIGHT and how to do it with a smile.
He's amazing and I can't wait to show you all the pictures..all the things he's already overcome and to catch you up on all the amazing miracles that got him here. Because they were indeed MIRACLES. Yes - miracles still happen today. <3
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